The month of May's book is on a topic dear to my heart. "The Art of Conversation" is Catherine Blyth's first book published by John Murray (UK) in 2009. It is a "rallying cry for this neglected yet vital pleasure, it offers a guided tour of the secrets and surprises, as well as tips for doing better."
Good conversation and communication is often at the forefront of my mind, with consideration directed towards improvement thereof. I read a quote somewhere recently which said "conversation does not get any more interesting the older you get." Perhaps not the most pithy quote I've read but it certainly resonates familiarity. The point is we seem to be stuck.
The opening sentences of Blyth's book read: "We need to talk. When did this become a threat rather than a statement of fact?"
Whenever I get my hands on books which explore topics, I often take to it with a highlighter, so that the deep and meaning epiphanies can be easily spotted on a boring or rainy Sunday afternoon stuck at home with nothing to do but graze through favourites in my bookcase, scanning for all the highlighted epiphanies. In place of doing a book review as it were I will let Blyth's words speak for themselves by sharing some of the more moving and 'Yes! Exactly!' and 'Brilliant!' moments within 'The Art of Conversation'.
"We have to ask ourselves why the internet is so good for wankers, gamblers and shoppers, and not so good for citizens and communities."
"Isolation magnifies disconnect and disenchantment. Many more of us live alone, bombarded by images of lifestyles to dream of, all of which feeds a sense of existence as a performance that we're failing at. Television scarcely features sociable conversation, because disagreement, like horrifying news stories, makes better drama."
"Out and about, face to face, even in innocuous situations, growing numbers of us seem so scared of saying the wrong thing that we say nothing. We think we're shy. We don't realise how arrogant, selfish and idle we seem."
"Computers and their ancillaries are evolving exponentially faster than we human animals, supplanting our creature comforts, yet in no way altering our Stone Age emotional or social needs."
"Conversation is not a performance."
"We can easily fold more of it (conversation) into our life, and it's imperative that we try, not just for ourselves. The tide against conversation has a powerful undertow."
"We are lonesome animals. We spend all of our life trying to be less lonesome. One of our ancient methods is to tell a story begging the listener to say - and to feel 'Yes, that is the way it is, or at least that is the way I feel it'"
"If words may be misread, the trouble with silence is it's nothing if not ambivalent. Since it requires discipline, it has long reflected power, and been affiliated with both good and evil. While the Roman goddess Isis vanquished 'the lamentable silences of hell', to Quakers and Buddhists freedom from the word brings higher consciousness. Howeever, these days the negative view is in the ascendant."
"But when did speech cease to be a freedom and become compulsory?"
"In individualist society, if self-promotion seems nigh on compulsory, those who don't play the game may seem above it all, and above us."
"Are silent people a danger to society? The unconfident ones are, according to research which finds that lonely people fear silence most, with anxiety about how to fill it, or seeming needy, compounding the problem by cramping their conversational style: too scared to ask questions, offer opinions, their introverted habits of speech pretty much guarantee more silence."
"Rather than let silence get the better of you, appreciate the virtue in its flexibility: a communication tool that's as versatile as the queen in chess."
"Few of us are aware that silence enhances intelligence. A 1970s 'wait-time' study in American schools found that if teachers gave students just a few extra seconds to answer questions, their responses and engagement greatly improved, as did their year-end examination results. In part this is because the longer a pause lasts, the more meanings germinate in speculative minds; like the lull before a joke's punchline, it deepens reflection."
"...in the collective craft of conversation we trade perceptions and ideas: a wondrous capacity that has enabled us to transform each others' views, and with them, the world."
"If having nothing to say is bad too much is possibly worse."
"...tedium today is mass-produced by leisure, be there nothing to do, or so much choice none seems worthwhile. The latter is commonly diagnosed as an illness, 'options paralysis' and privileged Westerners seem to be suffering an ennui epidemic..."
"...capacity for being bored, rather than man's social or natural needs, lies at the root of cultural advance."
"Sadly, listening talent is on the wane, with patience in dwindling supply. So if your listener looks tired, or your Guinness is still brimming, its foam flat, and everyone else's gass half empty, shut up."
"...to be bored or boring isn't affable. Often it is the bored person's fault: a failure to engage with the other person's point of view."
"There are few persons from whom you cannot learn something, and... everything is worth knowing."
A conversation is, or at least should be, similar to a tennis match, going back and forth equally. One person serves, you hit the ball back over the net, the server responds, the ball is in your court, you hit it over, again its returned and so on and so forth. If you are particularly verbose and seem to want to dominate conversation, then be aware that 50% of the participation rate of any conversation is listening. Every person has an opinion and something to say and there seems to be, at least in Western societies an emphatic compulsion to talk. How about listening? How about a book called 'The Art of Listening: Just Shut The F*#k Up and Let Somebody Else Talk".
